Monday, December 18, 2006

Christmas in the Tropics

So many good things come from living in the south.
  • biscuits are available at all times of the day
  • golf can be played 365 days a year
  • the pool opens in April and closes in October

But one thing I can't wrap my enthusiasm around is this winter weather. If our darling President came down here this weekend, I assure you, he would start to believe in global warming. We celebrated Christmas this weekend with t-shirts and shorts, t-ball in the backyard, and watching the football game on the back deck.

I have to say that I am a traditionalist. I prefer my wool turtleneck sweaters, the fireplace on, and hot chocolate. maybe I wouldn't be complaining if we really were in the tropics, but what's the point of this weather if the pool isn't even open?

Sunday, December 03, 2006

For the Love of Christmas

What's so wrong with a bribe? I ask.

It works getting good tables at nice restaurants.
It helps getting your construction jobs done on time.
It makes sure that your newspaper arrives on your doorstep each day (I know he says it is a voluntary christmas present...but please)
It also gets your 2 year old to go on the potty.

But come Dec 1, bribing has been brought to a new level and the bribe is in the name of Santa Claus.

No fewer than 10 times a day the phrase "if you're not a good boy, Santa won't come to see you" comes out of my mouth. AND IT WORKS.

All the toys are put away.
All our vegetables are eaten (who knew Santa cared about eating green beans?)
We share with our friends.
And we don't whine.

I love Santa, and I am even starting to believe in him. I must have been a very good girl this year because I can tell that for the next month, I'm going to get everything I ask for!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Secret Post #2

We all have lists that we create in our heads. Places we want to visit. Movies to rent. And the all important: Food I'll eat when I'm pregnant.

I am a lifer in the diet world, so I view the next 9 months as a get out of jail card free card. Yes, I know it will be hard to lose the weight. Yes, I know I am only supposed to eat 300 more calories a day than normal. and Yes I know that I am only supposed to gain 25 pounds. Well, all I have to say is TOO BAD!

Since losing all the weight from baby #1, I have created a list of foods I will eat when I pregnant and here they are (in no particular order)

1. Cheese fries
2. Cinnabon
3. Butter Cream eggs in my freezer that my aunt made us for Easter
4. Milkshakes, milkshakes, and more milkshakes

But I have to tell you, my body is screwing me right now, because here is what it is telling me it wants these days:
1. fruit salad
2. milk
3. raw veggies and hummus
4. 5+ gallons of water

So I have to ask...WTF??? Why is my body so mean to me? And why do I look so good in my skinny jeans?

Secret Post #1

Puke and sleep, puke and sleep,that is all I can think about these days. Memories of an occasional night in the basement of Theta come to mind when I put that combo together. Where else but in college could I learn to first put down a towel, then a garbage can lined with a plastic bag, and place a Gatorade right next to my head.

Unfortunately, there have been no kegs of Natural Light involved in this scenario. Just good old fashioned pregnancy.

So I've been wondering...

At what point in my life did it become fashionable to carry around a purse that is so big it warrants wheels and even a weigh in at the airport check in desk?

I think that the official sign that I need to remove a few items from the bag came when I went to pay tonight at the local grocery store and the poor check out boy had to pick up a pair of Diego undies that I flung across the counter as I was searching for my wallet.

If you don't know who Diego is...well then...I guess you have a smaller purse than I do!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Sigh of Relief

Thank you Speaker of the House Pelosi. Thank you Senator Webb. Thank you Governor O'Malley.

My darling son's grandparents can now move home.

Put away the real estate brochures for France and might be safe here.

And please, please, please...can you find at Duty Free a nice candidate for 2008???

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Such a Hypocrite!

OK...when preparing for our Halloween party, I may have gone just a bit overboard. I shopped all the good party sites online, caroused Target multiple times, got a few 10lb bags of candy from Sam's Club and considered myself good to go.

I must have gotten a little too excited when purchasing from one online site, for when I opened the box, there were not 24 pumpkin bouncy balls, but 240. Oops. I immediately got flashbacks from my mother's online grocery fiasco back in 2005 when we ended up with a bushel of apples.

So when I only needed 10 pumpkin bouncy balls, and I am too lazy to return them (be realistic, they only cost $2.40...TOTAL) I decided to hand them out as Halloween "treats."

Sure you can pull that off when the 2 and 3 year olds come to your door. But I am now realizing that I am setting myself up to get egged by the ungrateful 12 and 13 year olds!

What really is making them angry is me licking the chocolate off my fingers from the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups as I open the door.

I'd egg me too.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Something's Wrong Here

So this morning I went to a reunion of sorts with the women I went to grad school with. For those of you who don't know, I am one of the 60% of women who do not use their master's degree. It is a horrifying statistic, I know, and I'll tell you why...

As I am waiting all alone at a table for eight for my girlfriends to show up, I found myself gazing outside watching all the beautifully dresses coeds and parents walk by on the street (it is parent's weekend here in college land). Of course the obscenity of 18 year olds in Gucci, Prada, and even one boy in a jailhouse jumper (he must have still been in his costume from last night...his parents must be proud!) all caught my eye, but what really caught my eye was a bright pink Cadilac driving down the street. I smiled, but was distracted when my friends finally arrived (20 minutes AFTER we agreed).

We all caught up, went round the table saying what we were all doing now 6 years after grad school. While most of us are still in schools, you cannot imagine my shock when one girl explained that she only worked in a school for one year before she quit to work for Mary Kay full time. It turns out that she could make more money in one month off her commissions, than she did from the great schol system. So she is now a full time Mary Kay agent. And we're not talking little stuff. She has 3 people that work for her, label her products, ship them, and take her orders. She is one of the top sales people in the country and is the proud owner of the pink Cadilac that went cruising down the street.

Now tell me...what is wrong with our education system when you can make 4x as much money selling Mary Kay and having a bumber sticker on your car that says "Lipstick for Jesus" than being a teacher or a school counselor?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

A Name Change

In homage to my favorite blogger out there I have changed my name.

I was told by the powers the be (my parents) that they didn't approve of my previous blogger id...and at risk of losing a sizeable pair of diamond earrings and an emerald ring...I have changed my name.

Of course this only effects them and maybe the 2 other people who are reading my blog...but so be it.

So add it to your favorites and read it like a margarita (with lots of salt!)

Monday, October 23, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me!

How does one SAHM (that's stay at home mom for those of you who don't know) spend her birthday. hmmmm...

1. Invite over housekeeper for morning of Feng Shui...or just basic cleaning
2. Lock 5 month old puppy in crate until husband gets home
3. Go to gym, leave 2 year old in the day care for 2 hours. (note: only spend one hour working out, make sure to spend second hour taking a long hot shower, using all the clean towels, throw them on the floor, steal free deoderant and lotion samples, and take time drying hair and putting on is basically like going to the spa!)
4. Rush home because you are late to meet 2 year's old baby-sitter.
5. Meet friend out for lunch and don't feel guilty AT ALL for paying $10/hour to have lunch and talk only about our kids!
6. Rush home to put 2 year old down for nap.
7. Wake 2 year old up from nap to introduce him to new babysitter
8. Go out for leisurely dinner, drink too much, and stumble home...

Perfect planning if you ask me!

PS It is a good thing that I planned my own party today since the only card I found in the mail today was from Southwest (they always remember!). But I can't complain too much since I got a little boy to sing me a song or two this afternoon...

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The P Word

Penis...potty..what have you, it doesn't matter. For the past 8 days, I have had a clear vision of what my son will be like in college. Naked, dancing to the Rolling Stones, and infatuated with his penis....wait isn't that all boys in college?

Not afraid to bribe the crap out of him (literally), we are now official potty users. No present could be better for my upcoming birthday (please don't tell my husband that...I still want everything I put on the list...and a surprise...but NO running shorts please!)

In fact, it has been such a party, my son declared yesterday "my penis has a birthday cap on it." Well, I did say it was a birthday present, but I really didn't think now was the time to explain how and why his penis came to look like amount of M and M's will help him get over that!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Try As You Might

Ok...I don't usually talking about "trying" since I feel like it is just like saying "yes...we are currently having sex" But what you might not realize is that...oh my god...we are having sex for FOUR DAYS IS A ROW!!!!! We haven't done that since...ummm....June 5, 2004 minus 9 months is...September 2003! Lordy. And I digress.

So in honor of our marathon weekend, I thought I might go to Victoria's Secret and get a little something to spice up our venture. Unfortunately, though, I had to take my 2 year old with me (mental note- Victoria's Secret is NOT a kid friendly do you answer the question "What's that?" as he points to a leather thong?) Digression apologies.

So as I undress to try on a cute little nightgown, the little boy in the 2x2 cubicle with me decides to point out the obvious..."Mommy doesn't have a penis!" But instead of being matter of fact in the information, he is horrified. Imagine a screaming, near crying boy in a stroller wailing "Mommy doesn't have a penis!!!" If he wakes up with a nightmare today, it will be visions of me having my penis cut off in the dressing room of Victoria's Secret.

We escaped Victoria's Secret without too much drama. I now own a new set of flannel PJ's (hello romance!) and the 2 year old was comforted when he got home from the mall, ran into the bathroom where his father was showering and discovered with joy that

"Daddy has a penis too!"

Phew...thank god because if not, I bought those PJs for nothing!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Don't You Know Who I Am?

It's a simple fact that as a stay at home mom you lose most of your identity. You have no tactful answer to the "What do you do?" question. Do you say...

"I'm in janitorial services"
"I'm a caterer"
"I'm starting a small entertainment company specializing in vroom vrooms and choo choos"

Whatever it is you say, no one in the working world has a CLUE or truly cares how you spend your 14 hour days. Until last night, I didn't care because I thought that there was at least one person who truly understood me. Who knew how hard I worked, how much I needed a nap, and how much I looked forward to those unanticipated reruns of Sex and the City. But that was until last night.

It turns out that my initial assessment was one truly knows who I am. I found this out watching TV last night when my most loyal friend TIVO tried to change the channel from CSI Miami to Diagnosis Murder. So not only am I finding things in the Lands End catalgoue more attractive, but my TIVO thinks I am 80 going on 105...

I'm screwed.

You'll Know When You See Me

I'm not really sure why people keep asking me if I am pregnant (2 year old, volvo wagon, new puppy...what makes you think we are going to round this family out with another kiddo?). Well, truth be told, they don't ever actually come out and say it like that. But recently there have been a lot of "is there something you want to tell us??" and "are we sure that there aren't any other pregnant women here???" Of course, all eyes were directed at me and my belly (created by beer, not baby)...which, by the way, was supposed to be protected by a sturdy pair of Spanx...I wan't my money back!.

Let me just put it out there. As a girl who likes her drinks (Diet Cokes and Vodka Tonics alike) there will be NO DOUBT when I am finally pregnant. Let's just say...

you'll know when you see me.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Who's afraid of the Nap Nazi?

Her sister, her husband, and anyone else who has been victim to her vicious anger. With the incredible hulk as her mentor, she instantly changes from a loving mother and wife into a raving bitch from hell without any notice. All it takes is one slam of the door, one unwanted phone call, or one barking jack russell outside. Once obsessed with yoga, happy hours, and the Nordstrom Sale (ok, somethings don't change), all that matters now is 3 uninterrupted hours of sleep for her precious little one. Crabby baby=bitchy mommy.

And believe you me, if you violate these rules in her better be prepared for the wrath of the Nap Nazi. She's mean, she's bitchy, and she isn't forgiving. Just ask her hubby.

Beware, that's all I have to say, beware of the Nap Nazi...she's not your friend. And she doesn't go away until after cocktail hour and Elmo.