Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A series of events that made me cranky

Step One: Plant spring flowers in urns outside

Step Two: Awake the next morning to find all plants eaten...blame deer.

Step 3: find fury looking creature with petunia hanging out of his mouth. Guilty before proven innocent.

Step Four: Pay man in beat-up pick-up to "take care of the problem" a la Tony Soprano

Step Five: rejoice, no longer cranky.

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It's not easy being green...part 2

Seriously...I blogged before about my AWESOME reuseable bags from Harris Teeter. I still LOVE them. But you know what I don't love? An idiot checker/bagger.

Now, remember, I used to be a bagger/checker. I even almost worked at the courtesy I can critique. OHHHH...I can critique.

So the other day we went to the store. I mean, really, do I not win an award for going grocery shopping with both kids, and empty stomach, and my 5 reuseable bags? I think I do. Digressing...I know.

As we are checking out, the nice bagger man is talking to the kids, making them laugh, and wrapping each item I bought in plastic bags and then putting them into my lovely green reuseable bags. you not get the message I am trying to send with the bags? I hate the plastic bags, I semi-want to save the earth, and I HATE THE PLASTIC BAGS. I just sort of stared at him wondering...why are you wrapping up my yogurts in plastic? What's wrong with the bag the lemons are already in? what the f%&k are you doing?

Unfortunately, I just stared and said nothing. Next time I will save the Earth AND be assertive. And for that, with 2 kids in tow, I certainly will deserve an award!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Is it Friday yet?

I haven't worked a real job in almost 4 years. Yikes...that is a long time when you actually write it out. And I haven't wanted it to be Friday more than today.

You see...for the past 4 years there has been no difference in my day to day life whether it is Monday, Wednesday, or Saturday. Yes, you'll say, my husband is home on the weekends. But he is also home some days during the week, so the extreme difference between a Tuesday morning and a Sunday morning does not exist. Take a vacation...not me...everywhere we go, I'm on a business trip. My job goes with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Ask me what day it is and I won't know, but I'll respond like a preschooler. "I hope it's a school day!"

And even though I haven't had a job in over 1200 days, I still remember very clearly what it is like to need a weekend. Get through are more than halfway Thursday afternoon you can already taste that Friday afternoon margarita...and get any work done at 3pm on've got to be kidding me.

So in the past four years, I have never needed a weekend, a break in routine, a happy hour, an escape like I need this week. And you are going to be SO glad I'm telling you why.

It all started on Saturday night when I thought maybe, just maybe, I ate too much peanut butter cookie dough...but no, it wasn't my guiltY conscience making me sick it was that nasty old thing called the 24 hour flu. Puke and pass out, that is all I did on Sunday while my loving husband held down the fort. On Sunday night I went to bed thinking phew, the worst is over. HA!

I could go through all of the gory details, but suffice it to say that my illness was just the calm before the storm. Both little ones got the 24 hour flu that has since turned into the 72 or 96 hour bug. We're still illin' over here. And to put icing on the my husband came down with it too. This bug is kicking our ass! To summarize:

17 -loads of laundry done this week
7-times I have cried
6-plans that we have cancelled
4- times I have been puked on
3-times I have been pooped on (a student I took to Costa Rica once called it "pissing out your a-hole" He is SO right!)
2- times I have found my baby sleeping in vomit
0- times I have been to the gym

150- times I have screamed "IS IT FRIDAY YET????"

Sunday, April 20, 2008


Add to my list of things we swore we wouldn't do...but did anyway. Soccer.

For the past 5 years we have rolled our eyes, commented with disgust and declared with all seriousness that we would not put our darling son into programmed sports until he was at least 5...6...7...13...the age changes with the degree of difficulty of eye roll.

But guess where we were on Saturday morning. Soccer.

Well, that is if you call packs of little 3 and 4 year olds chasing a soccer ball like an amoeba searching for algae. Not fast, not efficient, but eventually the job gets done.

And if I could, I would take all my eye rolls, snickering, and judgement was TOO fun.

I don't think that I have a Pele or a Beckham on my hands...but we sure did have a good time.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The way-back freezer

When I was growing up we had a 2 refrigerators with freezers and a stand alone freezer in the house (yes...VERY environmentally friendly). I think they must have been stuffed with veggie lasagnas, frozen tomato sauce, and cases of grapefruit because I don't remember ever going into one of them for something to eat. In fact, I remember there never being ANYTHING to eat at my house.

Come over to our house and you'd get 2 choices...microwave popcorn or melba toast. Yeah, we weren't exactly top of the list for best after-school snacks.

But if I wrack my brain, I have vague memories of a 2nd stand alone freezer out in the storage shed. That shed was scary...Boo Radley wouldn't have wanted to be in there, but there was a freezer out there...and you know what...turns out that is where all the good food lived. All those boxes of chocolates my parents got as presents, left over cookies, even a chocolate orange...they were put out to pasture in the scary shed freezer.

I always thought that the food was put out there so my sister and I didn't eat it. But now, I think it may have been to keep anyone from eating it. You see, I now have 3 refrigerators. One in the house, and 2 in the garage...and a similar pattern has emerged. Healthy food that I should eat is inside the house, staples are in the first fridge in the garage, and anything worth a damn is in the 2nd fridge/freezer in the garage. If I don't want to eat it (read: I WANT to, just really shouldn't) I freeze it and put it in the 2nd freezer. Cookies don't last 5 minutes without being frozen and put in the frozen netherlands. Maybe that is what my mother was doing too. I mean...Joey on Friends did it with The Shining when things got too scary...and I do it with my downfall foods when they get too scary. (that is if you think that cookies, chocolates, banana bread and 2 cases of beer are scary!)

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I heart Spring

Spring has finally arrived here. About freakin' time, I say. I mean, it is mid-April after all. No wonder I have been cranky these past few weeks, it has been freezing around here. My friends from the great state of NC all sent their Easter pictures rubbing it in with their kids running around in shorts, sundresses and the blooming flowers in the background. Adorable Easter picts, I have to admit. Here are our Easter pics...not a sundress or a flower to be seen for miles...just crying that our mittens were wet.

But this week, Spring finally arrived. And all of a sudden, I am in a good mood. I mean, what could make a mommy happier than a picture like this taken before school.

OK...the picture that I got later that day, after school, did make me smile more. You can't make this stuff up!

titled: Shark Eating a Swimming Donught

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Embarassing story of the day

I pride myself on being able to contribute around the house. Sure I cook, clean, do laundry...shocker there...but I also can plunge toilets, hang pictures, reset the water heater, set up our internet telephone. I know, you are falling out of your seat you are so impressed by my well-rounded set of skills!

What I don't particpate in, though, are the audio/visual components of the house. Speaker wires, cables, suround sound...blah, blah, blah...I don't speak that language.

Rewind...did I mention that he we got a 62" tv?

In all of its new glory, it was drawn to our attention that the picture was crooked on our beautiful new tv. (we hadn't noticed because we were still staring at the wrinkles on Dick Enberg's face in HDTV) It wasn't so much crooked as it sort of sagged in the middle. I could give a plethora of analogies of how it sagged...but if you only imagine what I would look like running down the beach in a bikini...then you get the point.

So today the repair men arrived to fix our tv. As soon as I escort them into the family room, I turn back to the kitchen to find my little crawler/explorer extraordinaire. When I turn back again, the TV has had a tummy tuck and is back in business.

How did you do that so fast? I ask

We just took the speaker off the top of the TV. It was too heavy and it was causing the screen to bow yadah yadah yadah yadah... (I told you, I don't speak the language so if the problem is fixed, that is all I have to know)

hmmm. Thanks for coming?

How freaking embarassing. But I have to admit. Removing a heavy speaker is not as embarassing as when the electrician came out just to press the reset button in the bathroom.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

It's not easy being green...or is it?

Back in the day, I was a grocery checker. And I was damn good at it too. I almost was promoted to work at the courtesy counter to sell cigarettes and condoms, but the offer came just as I had to go back to college (DAMN, I would have been extra-good at that job). I even belonged to the Grocery Workers Union of America (ok, not sure that is what it was really called, but regardless of their name, they took $5 from each paycheck!)

While not high paying, not particularly thought provoking, and honestly, not terribly good on my resume, the job still has many effects on me to this day. Every time I go to the store (a mere 3 or 4 times a week) I cringe having to watch the checkers try to figure out just what is the vegetable code for fava beans, or are they lima beans, or wait...are they soy beans? Crap! (I still remember that cucumbers are 4032) I refuse to leave my cart and "just run back for one more thing" UGHHH! And most cringe inducing for me is watching the checker try to organize your groceries in those awful plastic bags.

Paper or plastic? I would ask.

Can you do paper inside of plastic? followed by that punch in the smacker smirk

Suuure. I would respond....though screaming in my head...NOT ONE OF THE OPTIONS F*%K FACE.

So when I saw them offered at my good old Harris Teeter, I just knew I HAD to buy their reusable bags. For a mere $.99 a bag, you solve all packing issues for both you and your checker. The bag is sturdy, it has a flat bottom, and it holds a ton. I was so excited when I saw them, I bought 8, but I have never had to use more than 4 on any given trip. And, let's not forget the fact that I no longer have 55 million plastic bags shoved in the bottom of my pantry.

These bags are pure heaven.

So now, when I go to the store I become that condescending woman. You know, the one that smiles and have it so easy...because seriously all you checkers out do. And if you piss me off...I'm going to ask for paper in plastic. smile.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Please come home

So my husband has been out of town FOREVER. I mean seriously, when he left we joked that we would see each other again in April of '08...and you know what today is??? April 3, 2008. He needs to come home NOW...before I start drinking at 8am (it was acceptable in college, so why not now?), only serve my children Chic Fil A, put locks on their doors, and dance around the house naked with my noise canceling headphones on.

I mean, I am so desperate for some "me" time while he has been"working" (skiing in Whistler hardly constitutes a hard job) that I will do just about anything to get out of the house. On Friday, I got a bikini wax. Yup...your husband goes away for 6 days and all of a sudden waxing is considered a "spa treatment." Sometimes I am so desperate for a little me time that I think I would get a full body wax, toenail removal and nose hair plucking. I don't care what you do to me, just give me 5 minutes to lie on the warm, soft bed with the crazy muzac on...I'd pay $100 for that alone, just as long as you don't talk to me. While not nearly as painful, on Saturday, I went stag to an 80's prom. I didn't even have to go stag in the 80's, but solo I went this weekend in my fishnet leggings, flashdance shirt, and blue eyeshadow.

Amazingly, I have also managed to entertain the kids while he has been gone. We've played outside, gone to the gym, ridden our bikes, gone to the gym, taken the dog for a walk, gone to the gym (did I mention the free child care????), and I pray to God that he will be home tonight.