A series of events that made me cranky

Step One: Plant spring flowers in urns outside

Step Two: Awake the next morning to find all plants eaten...blame deer.

Step 3: find fury looking creature with petunia hanging out of his mouth. Guilty before proven innocent.

Step Four: Pay man in beat-up pick-up to "take care of the problem" a la Tony Soprano

Step Five: rejoice, no longer cranky.

It's not easy being green...part 2

Seriously...I blogged before about my AWESOME reuseable bags from Harris Teeter. I still LOVE them. But you know what I don't love? An idiot checker/bagger.

Now, remember, I used to be a bagger/checker. I even almost worked at the courtesy counter...so I can critique. OHHHH...I can critique.

So the other day we went to the store. I mean, really, do I not win an award for going grocery shopping with both kids, and empty stomach, and my 5 reuseable bags? I think I do. Digressing...I know.

As we are checking out, the nice bagger man is talking to the kids, making them laugh, and wrapping each item I bought in plastic bags and then putting them into my lovely green reuseable bags. Seriously...do you not get the message I am trying to send with the bags? I hate the plastic bags, I semi-want to save the earth, and I HATE THE PLASTIC BAGS. I just sort of stared at him wondering...why are you wrapping up my yogurts in plastic? What's wrong with the bag the lemons are already in? what the f%&k are you doing?

Unfortunately, I just stared and said nothing. Next time I will save the Earth AND be assertive. And for that, with 2 kids in tow, I certainly will deserve an award!

Is it Friday yet?

I haven't worked a real job in almost 4 years. Yikes...that is a long time when you actually write it out. And I haven't wanted it to be Friday more than today.

You see...for the past 4 years there has been no difference in my day to day life whether it is Monday, Wednesday, or Saturday. Yes, you'll say, my husband is home on the weekends. But he is also home some days during the week, so the extreme difference between a Tuesday morning and a Sunday morning does not exist. Take a vacation...not me...everywhere we go, I'm on a business trip. My job goes with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Ask me what day it is and I won't know, but I'll respond like a preschooler. "I hope it's a school day!"

And even though I haven't had a job in over 1200 days, I still remember very clearly what it is like to need a weekend. Get through Wednesday...you are more than halfway there...by Thursday afternoon you can already taste that Friday afternoon margarita...and get any work done at 3pm on Friday...you've got to be kidding me.

So in the past four years, I have never needed a weekend, a break in routine, a happy hour, an escape like I need this week. And you are going to be SO glad I'm telling you why.

It all started on Saturday night when I thought maybe, just maybe, I ate too much peanut butter cookie dough...but no, it wasn't my guiltY conscience making me sick it was that nasty old thing called the 24 hour flu. Puke and pass out, that is all I did on Sunday while my loving husband held down the fort. On Sunday night I went to bed thinking phew, the worst is over. HA!

I could go through all of the gory details, but suffice it to say that my illness was just the calm before the storm. Both little ones got the 24 hour flu that has since turned into the 72 or 96 hour bug. We're still illin' over here. And to put icing on the cake...today my husband came down with it too. This bug is kicking our ass! To summarize:

17 -loads of laundry done this week
7-times I have cried
6-plans that we have cancelled
4- times I have been puked on
3-times I have been pooped on (a student I took to Costa Rica once called it "pissing out your a-hole" He is SO right!)
2- times I have found my baby sleeping in vomit
0- times I have been to the gym

150- times I have screamed "IS IT FRIDAY YET????"

Soccer!

Add to my list of things we swore we wouldn't do...but did anyway. Soccer.

For the past 5 years we have rolled our eyes, commented with disgust and declared with all seriousness that we would not put our darling son into programmed sports until he was at least 5...6...7...13...the age changes with the degree of difficulty of eye roll.

But guess where we were on Saturday morning. Soccer.

Well, that is if you call packs of little 3 and 4 year olds chasing a soccer ball like an amoeba searching for algae. Not fast, not efficient, but eventually the job gets done.

And if I could, I would take all my eye rolls, snickering, and judgement back...it was TOO fun.

I don't think that I have a Pele or a Beckham on my hands...but we sure did have a good time.

The way-back freezer

When I was growing up we had a 2 refrigerators with freezers and a stand alone freezer in the house (yes...VERY environmentally friendly). I think they must have been stuffed with veggie lasagnas, frozen tomato sauce, and cases of grapefruit because I don't remember ever going into one of them for something to eat. In fact, I remember there never being ANYTHING to eat at my house.

Come over to our house and you'd get 2 choices...microwave popcorn or melba toast. Yeah, we weren't exactly top of the list for best after-school snacks.

But if I wrack my brain, I have vague memories of a 2nd stand alone freezer out in the storage shed. That shed was scary...Boo Radley wouldn't have wanted to be in there, but there was a freezer out there...and you know what...turns out that is where all the good food lived. All those boxes of chocolates my parents got as presents, left over cookies, even a chocolate orange...they were put out to pasture in the scary shed freezer.

I always thought that the food was put out there so my sister and I didn't eat it. But now, I think it may have been to keep anyone from eating it. You see, I now have 3 refrigerators. One in the house, and 2 in the garage...and a similar pattern has emerged. Healthy food that I should eat is inside the house, staples are in the first fridge in the garage, and anything worth a damn is in the 2nd fridge/freezer in the garage. If I don't want to eat it (read: I WANT to, just really shouldn't) I freeze it and put it in the 2nd freezer. Cookies don't last 5 minutes without being frozen and put in the frozen netherlands. Maybe that is what my mother was doing too. I mean...Joey on Friends did it with The Shining when things got too scary...and I do it with my downfall foods when they get too scary. (that is if you think that cookies, chocolates, banana bread and 2 cases of beer are scary!)

I heart Spring

Spring has finally arrived here. About freakin' time, I say. I mean, it is mid-April after all. No wonder I have been cranky these past few weeks, it has been freezing around here. My friends from the great state of NC all sent their Easter pictures rubbing it in with their kids running around in shorts, sundresses and the blooming flowers in the background. Adorable Easter picts, I have to admit. Here are our Easter pics...not a sundress or a flower to be seen for miles...just crying that our mittens were wet.

But this week, Spring finally arrived. And all of a sudden, I am in a good mood. I mean, what could make a mommy happier than a picture like this taken before school.

OK...the picture that I got later that day, after school, did make me smile more. You can't make this stuff up!

titled: Shark Eating a Swimming Donught

Embarassing story of the day

I pride myself on being able to contribute around the house. Sure I cook, clean, do laundry...shocker there...but I also can plunge toilets, hang pictures, reset the water heater, set up our internet telephone. I know, you are falling out of your seat you are so impressed by my well-rounded set of skills!

What I don't particpate in, though, are the audio/visual components of the house. Speaker wires, cables, suround sound...blah, blah, blah...I don't speak that language.

Rewind...did I mention that he we got a 62" tv?

In all of its new glory, it was drawn to our attention that the picture was crooked on our beautiful new tv. (we hadn't noticed because we were still staring at the wrinkles on Dick Enberg's face in HDTV) It wasn't so much crooked as it sort of sagged in the middle. I could give a plethora of analogies of how it sagged...but if you only imagine what I would look like running down the beach in a bikini...then you get the point.

So today the repair men arrived to fix our tv. As soon as I escort them into the family room, I turn back to the kitchen to find my little crawler/explorer extraordinaire. When I turn back again, the TV has had a tummy tuck and is back in business.

How did you do that so fast? I ask

We just took the speaker off the top of the TV. It was too heavy and it was causing the screen to bow yadah yadah yadah yadah... (I told you, I don't speak the language so if the problem is fixed, that is all I have to know)

hmmm. Thanks for coming?

How freaking embarassing. But I have to admit. Removing a heavy speaker is not as embarassing as when the electrician came out just to press the reset button in the bathroom.

It's not easy being green...or is it?

Back in the day, I was a grocery checker. And I was damn good at it too. I almost was promoted to work at the courtesy counter to sell cigarettes and condoms, but the offer came just as I had to go back to college (DAMN, I would have been extra-good at that job). I even belonged to the Grocery Workers Union of America (ok, not sure that is what it was really called, but regardless of their name, they took $5 from each paycheck!)

While not high paying, not particularly thought provoking, and honestly, not terribly good on my resume, the job still has many effects on me to this day. Every time I go to the store (a mere 3 or 4 times a week) I cringe having to watch the checkers try to figure out just what is the vegetable code for fava beans, or are they lima beans, or wait...are they soy beans? Crap! (I still remember that cucumbers are 4032) I refuse to leave my cart and "just run back for one more thing" UGHHH! And most cringe inducing for me is watching the checker try to organize your groceries in those awful plastic bags.

Paper or plastic? I would ask.

Can you do paper inside of plastic? followed by that punch in the smacker smirk

Suuure. I would respond....though screaming in my head...NOT ONE OF THE OPTIONS F*%K FACE.

So when I saw them offered at my good old Harris Teeter, I just knew I HAD to buy their reusable bags. For a mere $.99 a bag, you solve all packing issues for both you and your checker. The bag is sturdy, it has a flat bottom, and it holds a ton. I was so excited when I saw them, I bought 8, but I have never had to use more than 4 on any given trip. And, let's not forget the fact that I no longer have 55 million plastic bags shoved in the bottom of my pantry.

These bags are pure heaven.

So now, when I go to the store I become that condescending woman. You know, the one that smiles and says...you have it so easy...because seriously all you checkers out there...you do. And if you piss me off...I'm going to ask for paper in plastic. smile.

Please come home

So my husband has been out of town FOREVER. I mean seriously, when he left we joked that we would see each other again in April of '08...and you know what today is??? April 3, 2008. He needs to come home NOW...before I start drinking at 8am (it was acceptable in college, so why not now?), only serve my children Chic Fil A, put locks on their doors, and dance around the house naked with my noise canceling headphones on.

I mean, I am so desperate for some "me" time while he has been"working" (skiing in Whistler hardly constitutes a hard job) that I will do just about anything to get out of the house. On Friday, I got a bikini wax. Yup...your husband goes away for 6 days and all of a sudden waxing is considered a "spa treatment." Sometimes I am so desperate for a little me time that I think I would get a full body wax, toenail removal and nose hair plucking. I don't care what you do to me, just give me 5 minutes to lie on the warm, soft bed with the crazy muzac on...I'd pay $100 for that alone, just as long as you don't talk to me. While not nearly as painful, on Saturday, I went stag to an 80's prom. I didn't even have to go stag in the 80's, but solo I went this weekend in my fishnet leggings, flashdance shirt, and blue eyeshadow.

Amazingly, I have also managed to entertain the kids while he has been gone. We've played outside, gone to the gym, ridden our bikes, gone to the gym, taken the dog for a walk, gone to the gym (did I mention the free child care????), and I pray to God that he will be home tonight.

Time to Change the Channel

I have never really been a fan of kids music. The songs are too sweet, sing songy and like freakin' duct tape to my head. John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt...shoot me now. Head Shoulders Knees and Toes...poke my eye out.
B-I-N-G-O...go ahead and commit me to the asylum.

That being said, we don't ever listen to kids music in the car (for fear of me driving head on into oncoming traffic) and we just listen to the radio. That is...until today when the lyrics got in our way.

We're driving home from the grocery store, jamming out in my pimped out volvo wagon, sun roof open, windows down, be-bopping our way home. It was great. Then the little questioner from the back seat says, "Mommy, why do they want her to get down? They say she is on top, and then she should get down"

silence from the front seat

"Mooommmmy, why, why do they want her to get down? She's on top right?"

unrestrained giggling from the front seat

"it's a silly song isn't it Mommy. I thought it was silly too."

So that's how I had to throw a bone to kids music and change the station.

I'll be the one with the noise cancelling earphones driving my kids around. Now that's silly!

What $1 at Target will get you

His choice, not mine. But I certainly enjoyed pushing the two of them around in the cart at Target. We got lots of attention...some good...some bad...but we didn't care. Attention is attention in this house!

Are you kidding me?

No joke, this is what my husband thinks is a good present for our 3.5 year old son.

He claims that not all of the figures have guns. Do you see any? They must be the ones with the grenades.

Will anyone let their children play at my house anymore? I'm not sure I would.

I'm not over-reacting am I? Is he going to be a school shooter? An NRA member? A...gasp...Republican????

Penis overload

No...this is not a perverted blog, I swear.

It is just a rant about my 3.5 year old is OBSESSED with his winky, pee pee, ding-a-ling, or whatever you want to call it. And to be honest I just don't know what to do about it.

Do I make rules about where and when he can touch it? Perhaps post them on the fridge for everyone to see?

Do I ignore it and look the other way when he has his hands down his pants at birthday parties, swim lessons, and everwhere in between? This will be one way to help him keep track of his toys as no one else will want to play with them!

Do I embrace all this touching and feeling? no, no, no...jokes about this will just get totally perverse and make even me blush!

Whatever the course I take, I have to do something. All this penis exposure is just too much. He, on the other hand, seems fine with it and finds new uses for his appendage at every turn. In fact, today he realized that it was a good place to hang his swim goggles.

Just be glad there are no pictures for this blog!

weighing in

OK...seriously, who the hell am I kidding? Myself, no. The woman behind the counter, no. The people waiting in line behind me, no. And who the hell cares? Only me.

So I ask you, why do I follow the same ridiculous routine each time I go to weigh in at Weight Watchers?

• light as a feather workout gear- check
• flip flops (so to avoid wearing those REALLY heavy socks)- check
• no food or drink since 8pm last night- check
• gone to bathroom 15 times to squeeze out that last ounce of pee- double check
• stripped down to nearly naked-check

When I first started the program this fall, I swore I wouldn't go through with this routine (yes, yes, this is patterned behavior that I am very familiar with.) I arrived wearing corduroys, a shirt, and socks...big fat heavy ones...and proudly stepped on the scale. I even managed to keep it up for the first few weeks. But then I had one week where maybe I had a few too many glasses of wine, girl scout cookies, or nachos with queso (just examples people!!), so without even thinking about it, I reverted right back to my "weigh-in" behavior.

And now I am stuck.

If I go back to say...jeans...I might not show the correct amount of weight loss because those pants are so much heavier than my almost see-through, not even comfortable, but light as a feather, black yoga pants. You can spout all your rational thoughts at me, like I'll just have to suffer one week of adjustment, or the clothes don't really make that much difference, or even that eating breakfast doesn't effect your weight that much. But in my heart of hearts, this is the behavior that I embrace.

I can only change one life-habit at a time. We're working on food now, next step...neuroses

A small step in the right direction

So I haven't been having much luck with my resolutions/ new habits/ lent sacrifices (those who are paying attention, you are right, I'm not even Catholic but LOVE the idea of challenging myself to give up something). Since January 1, 2008 I have not:

• found a new career to make me lots of money and insanely happy at the same time
• lost the remaining of my baby weight plus the extra 10 I have carried around since the first time leg warmers were in style
• stopped complaining about things that really are not in my control (I think this one is helpless, but it remains on my list nonetheless!)

Yesterday, however, I made a small step in the right direction. I kept my grocery bill to less than $150. In fact, it was only $120. As I was watching the tally grow on the screen in front of me it was like I was watching my favorite horse win the Preakness. yes, yes, go , go, yes, yes, GO, GO, YES, YES, YES. YES! YES! Or maybe it was more like that scene from When Harry Met Sally. You know the one.

Either way it was SO satisfying.

Today I am feeling incredibly successful and hopeful so I am adding one more things to my list and posting ithere so someone keeps me accountable. As of today:

• TV will not be turned on during the "day time" hours. That means from breakfast until dinner. Mostly this is for me, so I can get more done during nap time and spend less time watching Ellen...but I am hoping that we all benefit from the music that will replace the drone of the Food Network in the background (not like I was ever really going to make that leg of lamb anyway...it's not in the budget!)

Wish me luck...and I wish you the same with your goals!

His first love

It all started a few weeks ago. We got an e-mail from pre-school introducing us to the new student in our class. I encouraged the little boy to be nice to her, tell her his name, play with her on the playground, etc. Little did I know that I was encouraging the first great love affair.

So over the course of the past few weeks I have been hearing more and more about this girl. We sent her a special valentine, we learned how to spell her name, and we talk about her incessantly in the car on the way home from school. Still, I wasn't thinking much about this, he simply had a new friend.

That all changed on Wednesday when one of his teachers, as I was dropping him off at school, said, "Has Will told you about his new girlfriend?"

Slam on the brakes....WHAT????...girlfriend-girlfriend???

As relaxed as telling me that he painted a picture at school, she said, "yup...and they are totally smitten. Have a good day! " Slam the door. As the horns started honking from behind me in the car line, the freak out began. Hold on ladies...my boy has a girlfriend???

Still, I wasn't thinking too much about it. I did sneak up to school early so I could check her out (totally adorable, he does have good taste!), called the hubby to report and wept quietly that he was growing up so fast.

It wasn't until his other pre-school teacher called me that afternoon to talk about the relationship between said girl and my son did the true freak out begin. She started out by saying that he had impeccable taste (A+ in parent management to her...always start with a compliment) but that sometimes he was very sad if she didn't want to sit next to him, swing with him...the list went on. So my son is a stalker??? No, she insisted that wasn't the case, but he was "very invested in the relationship." Since when did we use this sort of language for 3 year olds???

SUPER FREAK OUT GOING ON NOW.

I don't know what to make of this whole thing. But all I can say is that it completely took me by surprise. In my list of neurosis...having a girlfriend hadn't even made it to the list yet and now it is at the top. Was it like this when I was 3.5? And why am I taking comfort in the fact that she is so cute, bright, and mature? Can this really predict what might happen in the future? And if so...watch out girls...I'm on the fast train to crazy-town!

So random

So, I mentioned earlier that I haven't been blogging as much lately. I don't really have a reason, just haven't really thought our life was that interesting (stay tuned for the blog on the boy's girlfriend...I KNOW!) So when I go missing for a little, I realize that some people actually do read my blog (ok...just 2 Laura and my mother). And in her feeble attempt to catch up with me via our blogs...Laura tagged me. I LOVE doing these stupid things with her. We compete to see who can say the stupidest, strangest, and sometimes most perverted things (think of how much time we waste filling out those chain mails asking about random personal details.)

So here are the rules:
1. List 7 random things about yourself that people may not know.
2. Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.
3. Post the rules on your blog.
4. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. I don't have 7 blogging friends...so I'm not doing this one!

So here we go. 7 random things that very select few know about me.

1. In high school I was the front end of the dancing cow in the musical Gypsy. My lines were "moo, moo, moo-moo" No joke.

2. Also in high school, I came in second in a beauty contest on a cruise ship on the Black Sea (back in the days of the USSR) I was named Miss Charming...so true!

3. I, to this day, try to convince myself that I am shorter than my husband. I'm not, I'm an inch taller, but I really don't like it!

4. I try SO hard to never have to go to the bathroom in a public space. To me, they are the grossest things out there. Granted, not as bad as the hole in the ground in Odessa, but still...so many germs!

This is getting hard. I know there are random things about me, but I can't think of them right now!

5. I cannot leave the house without making my bed. I would rather be late than leave with the beds unmade.

This is starting to look like a documentation of my OCD, but that is ok.

6. If I could go to dinner with any celebrity it would be either Will Smith or Queen Latifah.

you asked for random...I'm giving you random!

7. My favorite word in the whole world is F#*K. (this is not a revelation to anyone who has ever been with me after having a few drinks!) I think it is the most versatile word ever and if challenged I could find a way to use it in every sentence. That will be my next challenge to Laura!

OK, that's it. That was harder than I originally thought.

He married Martha.

I've been missing, I know.

I've been busy, you know.

But I have to say that it may be a week late, but I still feel compelled to post the pictures of our Valentine's dinner. I am neither a professional chef of photographer, but this was one hell of a meal if I do say so myself.

Check it out.

Of course, his first question was, "Did I marry Martha Stewart?" How much did this cost? Such a romantic I tell you. But the answer truly brought him to his knees:

• Beef tenderloin- free (xmas present from the bossman)


• scallops - $8


• Alaskan King Crab- $6


• Asparagus- $3


• Having your son eat the whole meal without a single argument- Priceless

It may not fit into our $60/week budget (yeah, that isn't going so well) but it was YUMMY!

$15/ person...really?

OK..if you know me at all, or my husband for that matter, you know that the writers' strike has really challenged our relationship. I mean, seriously, if nothing is on, does that mean that we have to talk to one another? Noooo...it just means we have to find something to watch.

But sometimes it isn't just the lack of TV that challenges us, it is what we choose to watch. The other night I found myself engrossed in a marathon of Jon and Kate + 8 on TLC. The premise is that Jon and Kate have 7 year old twins and 3 year old sextuplets. I watched for hours in awe how they managed to feed, clothe, take out to public places, and control these 8 kids while still staying sane. Don't get me wrong, they lose their patience, yell, and even bicker with each other. But no more than my husband and I do. It is amazing.

It is so amazing that I can't stop thinking about one episode; the one when Kate goes to the grocery store (this is nearly as exciting as 24 people, I tell you!). Imagine going grocery shopping for 10 people...and only once a week. I can barely go for 4 and I end up at the store multiple times each week.

And if that sounds challenging, imagine trying to keep your bill less than $150. FOR TEN PEOPLE! I find it hard to keep MY bill under $150. If I were on Kate's budget, I would only get $60 a week. You've got to be kidding me.

But in the spirit of trying something new and paying for my $3700 transmission (thanks Volvo!) I'm going to give it the old college try. I guess if it is the old college try it means that we'll be eating Ramen noodles and drinking Natural Light. But if I drink like I did in college, that will blow my $15 right away. And I digress.

I'll let you know how it goes, but don't expect miracles. Unlike Huckabee, I tend to believe the mathematics major rather than the miracles major.

sound sleeper

Seriously, does this look comfortable?