Time to Change the Channel

I have never really been a fan of kids music. The songs are too sweet, sing songy and like freakin' duct tape to my head. John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt...shoot me now. Head Shoulders Knees and Toes...poke my eye out.
B-I-N-G-O...go ahead and commit me to the asylum.

That being said, we don't ever listen to kids music in the car (for fear of me driving head on into oncoming traffic) and we just listen to the radio. That is...until today when the lyrics got in our way.

We're driving home from the grocery store, jamming out in my pimped out volvo wagon, sun roof open, windows down, be-bopping our way home. It was great. Then the little questioner from the back seat says, "Mommy, why do they want her to get down? They say she is on top, and then she should get down"

silence from the front seat

"Mooommmmy, why, why do they want her to get down? She's on top right?"

unrestrained giggling from the front seat

"it's a silly song isn't it Mommy. I thought it was silly too."

So that's how I had to throw a bone to kids music and change the station.

I'll be the one with the noise cancelling earphones driving my kids around. Now that's silly!

What $1 at Target will get you

His choice, not mine. But I certainly enjoyed pushing the two of them around in the cart at Target. We got lots of attention...some good...some bad...but we didn't care. Attention is attention in this house!

Are you kidding me?

No joke, this is what my husband thinks is a good present for our 3.5 year old son.

He claims that not all of the figures have guns. Do you see any? They must be the ones with the grenades.

Will anyone let their children play at my house anymore? I'm not sure I would.

I'm not over-reacting am I? Is he going to be a school shooter? An NRA member? A...gasp...Republican????

Penis overload

No...this is not a perverted blog, I swear.

It is just a rant about my 3.5 year old is OBSESSED with his winky, pee pee, ding-a-ling, or whatever you want to call it. And to be honest I just don't know what to do about it.

Do I make rules about where and when he can touch it? Perhaps post them on the fridge for everyone to see?

Do I ignore it and look the other way when he has his hands down his pants at birthday parties, swim lessons, and everwhere in between? This will be one way to help him keep track of his toys as no one else will want to play with them!

Do I embrace all this touching and feeling? no, no, no...jokes about this will just get totally perverse and make even me blush!

Whatever the course I take, I have to do something. All this penis exposure is just too much. He, on the other hand, seems fine with it and finds new uses for his appendage at every turn. In fact, today he realized that it was a good place to hang his swim goggles.

Just be glad there are no pictures for this blog!

weighing in

OK...seriously, who the hell am I kidding? Myself, no. The woman behind the counter, no. The people waiting in line behind me, no. And who the hell cares? Only me.

So I ask you, why do I follow the same ridiculous routine each time I go to weigh in at Weight Watchers?

• light as a feather workout gear- check
• flip flops (so to avoid wearing those REALLY heavy socks)- check
• no food or drink since 8pm last night- check
• gone to bathroom 15 times to squeeze out that last ounce of pee- double check
• stripped down to nearly naked-check

When I first started the program this fall, I swore I wouldn't go through with this routine (yes, yes, this is patterned behavior that I am very familiar with.) I arrived wearing corduroys, a shirt, and socks...big fat heavy ones...and proudly stepped on the scale. I even managed to keep it up for the first few weeks. But then I had one week where maybe I had a few too many glasses of wine, girl scout cookies, or nachos with queso (just examples people!!), so without even thinking about it, I reverted right back to my "weigh-in" behavior.

And now I am stuck.

If I go back to say...jeans...I might not show the correct amount of weight loss because those pants are so much heavier than my almost see-through, not even comfortable, but light as a feather, black yoga pants. You can spout all your rational thoughts at me, like I'll just have to suffer one week of adjustment, or the clothes don't really make that much difference, or even that eating breakfast doesn't effect your weight that much. But in my heart of hearts, this is the behavior that I embrace.

I can only change one life-habit at a time. We're working on food now, next step...neuroses

A small step in the right direction

So I haven't been having much luck with my resolutions/ new habits/ lent sacrifices (those who are paying attention, you are right, I'm not even Catholic but LOVE the idea of challenging myself to give up something). Since January 1, 2008 I have not:

• found a new career to make me lots of money and insanely happy at the same time
• lost the remaining of my baby weight plus the extra 10 I have carried around since the first time leg warmers were in style
• stopped complaining about things that really are not in my control (I think this one is helpless, but it remains on my list nonetheless!)

Yesterday, however, I made a small step in the right direction. I kept my grocery bill to less than $150. In fact, it was only $120. As I was watching the tally grow on the screen in front of me it was like I was watching my favorite horse win the Preakness. yes, yes, go , go, yes, yes, GO, GO, YES, YES, YES. YES! YES! Or maybe it was more like that scene from When Harry Met Sally. You know the one.

Either way it was SO satisfying.

Today I am feeling incredibly successful and hopeful so I am adding one more things to my list and posting ithere so someone keeps me accountable. As of today:

• TV will not be turned on during the "day time" hours. That means from breakfast until dinner. Mostly this is for me, so I can get more done during nap time and spend less time watching Ellen...but I am hoping that we all benefit from the music that will replace the drone of the Food Network in the background (not like I was ever really going to make that leg of lamb anyway...it's not in the budget!)

Wish me luck...and I wish you the same with your goals!

His first love

It all started a few weeks ago. We got an e-mail from pre-school introducing us to the new student in our class. I encouraged the little boy to be nice to her, tell her his name, play with her on the playground, etc. Little did I know that I was encouraging the first great love affair.

So over the course of the past few weeks I have been hearing more and more about this girl. We sent her a special valentine, we learned how to spell her name, and we talk about her incessantly in the car on the way home from school. Still, I wasn't thinking much about this, he simply had a new friend.

That all changed on Wednesday when one of his teachers, as I was dropping him off at school, said, "Has Will told you about his new girlfriend?"

Slam on the brakes....WHAT????...girlfriend-girlfriend???

As relaxed as telling me that he painted a picture at school, she said, "yup...and they are totally smitten. Have a good day! " Slam the door. As the horns started honking from behind me in the car line, the freak out began. Hold on ladies...my boy has a girlfriend???

Still, I wasn't thinking too much about it. I did sneak up to school early so I could check her out (totally adorable, he does have good taste!), called the hubby to report and wept quietly that he was growing up so fast.

It wasn't until his other pre-school teacher called me that afternoon to talk about the relationship between said girl and my son did the true freak out begin. She started out by saying that he had impeccable taste (A+ in parent management to her...always start with a compliment) but that sometimes he was very sad if she didn't want to sit next to him, swing with him...the list went on. So my son is a stalker??? No, she insisted that wasn't the case, but he was "very invested in the relationship." Since when did we use this sort of language for 3 year olds???

SUPER FREAK OUT GOING ON NOW.

I don't know what to make of this whole thing. But all I can say is that it completely took me by surprise. In my list of neurosis...having a girlfriend hadn't even made it to the list yet and now it is at the top. Was it like this when I was 3.5? And why am I taking comfort in the fact that she is so cute, bright, and mature? Can this really predict what might happen in the future? And if so...watch out girls...I'm on the fast train to crazy-town!

So random

So, I mentioned earlier that I haven't been blogging as much lately. I don't really have a reason, just haven't really thought our life was that interesting (stay tuned for the blog on the boy's girlfriend...I KNOW!) So when I go missing for a little, I realize that some people actually do read my blog (ok...just 2 Laura and my mother). And in her feeble attempt to catch up with me via our blogs...Laura tagged me. I LOVE doing these stupid things with her. We compete to see who can say the stupidest, strangest, and sometimes most perverted things (think of how much time we waste filling out those chain mails asking about random personal details.)

So here are the rules:
1. List 7 random things about yourself that people may not know.
2. Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.
3. Post the rules on your blog.
4. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. I don't have 7 blogging friends...so I'm not doing this one!

So here we go. 7 random things that very select few know about me.

1. In high school I was the front end of the dancing cow in the musical Gypsy. My lines were "moo, moo, moo-moo" No joke.

2. Also in high school, I came in second in a beauty contest on a cruise ship on the Black Sea (back in the days of the USSR) I was named Miss Charming...so true!

3. I, to this day, try to convince myself that I am shorter than my husband. I'm not, I'm an inch taller, but I really don't like it!

4. I try SO hard to never have to go to the bathroom in a public space. To me, they are the grossest things out there. Granted, not as bad as the hole in the ground in Odessa, but still...so many germs!

This is getting hard. I know there are random things about me, but I can't think of them right now!

5. I cannot leave the house without making my bed. I would rather be late than leave with the beds unmade.

This is starting to look like a documentation of my OCD, but that is ok.

6. If I could go to dinner with any celebrity it would be either Will Smith or Queen Latifah.

you asked for random...I'm giving you random!

7. My favorite word in the whole world is F#*K. (this is not a revelation to anyone who has ever been with me after having a few drinks!) I think it is the most versatile word ever and if challenged I could find a way to use it in every sentence. That will be my next challenge to Laura!

OK, that's it. That was harder than I originally thought.

He married Martha.

I've been missing, I know.

I've been busy, you know.

But I have to say that it may be a week late, but I still feel compelled to post the pictures of our Valentine's dinner. I am neither a professional chef of photographer, but this was one hell of a meal if I do say so myself.

Check it out.

Of course, his first question was, "Did I marry Martha Stewart?" How much did this cost? Such a romantic I tell you. But the answer truly brought him to his knees:

• Beef tenderloin- free (xmas present from the bossman)


• scallops - $8


• Alaskan King Crab- $6


• Asparagus- $3


• Having your son eat the whole meal without a single argument- Priceless

It may not fit into our $60/week budget (yeah, that isn't going so well) but it was YUMMY!

$15/ person...really?

OK..if you know me at all, or my husband for that matter, you know that the writers' strike has really challenged our relationship. I mean, seriously, if nothing is on, does that mean that we have to talk to one another? Noooo...it just means we have to find something to watch.

But sometimes it isn't just the lack of TV that challenges us, it is what we choose to watch. The other night I found myself engrossed in a marathon of Jon and Kate + 8 on TLC. The premise is that Jon and Kate have 7 year old twins and 3 year old sextuplets. I watched for hours in awe how they managed to feed, clothe, take out to public places, and control these 8 kids while still staying sane. Don't get me wrong, they lose their patience, yell, and even bicker with each other. But no more than my husband and I do. It is amazing.

It is so amazing that I can't stop thinking about one episode; the one when Kate goes to the grocery store (this is nearly as exciting as 24 people, I tell you!). Imagine going grocery shopping for 10 people...and only once a week. I can barely go for 4 and I end up at the store multiple times each week.

And if that sounds challenging, imagine trying to keep your bill less than $150. FOR TEN PEOPLE! I find it hard to keep MY bill under $150. If I were on Kate's budget, I would only get $60 a week. You've got to be kidding me.

But in the spirit of trying something new and paying for my $3700 transmission (thanks Volvo!) I'm going to give it the old college try. I guess if it is the old college try it means that we'll be eating Ramen noodles and drinking Natural Light. But if I drink like I did in college, that will blow my $15 right away. And I digress.

I'll let you know how it goes, but don't expect miracles. Unlike Huckabee, I tend to believe the mathematics major rather than the miracles major.

sound sleeper

Seriously, does this look comfortable?

the bad kind of quiet

I don't know about the rest of the moms out there, but a little silence is about the best thing in the world. Whether it is in the morning before the kids wake up, during nap time, or at night when they are both asleep. I love them to death, but a little quiet goes a long way for my sanity. Yesterday I experienced the bad kind of quiet. You know, that silence that happens when your child goes downstairs, plays by himself, and everything seems well...quiet.

I got carried away by it yesterday. Little boy went downstairs between lunch and nap time and it got quiet. I sat down at my computer, started checking e-mail, changed the laundry, paid the bills, ate my own lunch and then it dawned on me...why is it so quiet? So I went down to see what was going on. And as you can see from the photo to the right...what I experienced was the "bad kind of quiet"

I have to admit though, if I had to do it all again, I'd let the destruction happen all over for another 15 minutes of quiet in the middle of the day!

Reality TV...or just comedy

So, as we all know there is nothing on TV these days. The writers strike has made all of us desperate for anything new. Read a book? Nahh...we'll just suffer through all the reality TV that is on.

So tonight, we see an ad that gives us hope for the next couple of months.

The Baby Borrowers


The premise is that there are 6 teen couples who think that they can handle having a baby. And we get to watch them find out the truth.

The catch phrase is, "It's not reality tv, it's birth control"

Set the TIVO, I'm there for the trainwreck.

I'm so glad I had a ....

Boy

Seriously he is the funiest kid I have ever met. All he does is try to make people laugh, make them happy, and of course be the center of attention (i would have to say that he comes by this all very naturally!) He gets up is the middle of dinner because "I just have to dance" a la Dazed and Confused...We often ask, "where did he come from?" wink, wink

But what makes me love him and his father even more is their love for all dangerous, risk taking, outdoor activities that I really have no interest participating in. For instance...it snowed 3 days ago, so this morning in the 22 degree weather, the 2 of them bundle up in their snow gear, head outside and find the only portion of steep hill that still has some snow left and decide to go sledding. Yes this hill goes right into a stream, yes this hill has a pipe drain on one side of it, and yes, I think that there is some sort of monster living at the bottom of this hill...but who am I to question their adventure? They trek out there, move snow around so there is one continuous path, and sled until frostbite and broken limbs are nearly imminent.

But let's rewind to yesterday when we go to our friend's 3 year old birthday party. It's at this awesome place called Ultimate Playzone. Sure it took us over and hour to get there...but it was SO worth it. Bouncy houses everywhere and no sharp corners to speak of. And getting back to my risk-taking, fearless duo...they had nothing to fear. There were bouncy houses, slides, a pirate ship, basketball nets and nothing else to cause injuries...or was there? It seems that it took my husband about 5 minutes to dive into the bouncy house with the gaggle of 3 year olds and start propelling my son into the air. This is their schtick...rough house and wrestle. It seemed like a good idea until our son cannon-balled himself right onto an unsuspecting little girl also at the party. She never saw it coming, that 46 pounds of boy careening right toward her head! Luckily there were no major injuries to report, but bloody noses, cut lips, and lots of tears later everyone returned to the party.

The party was still a huge success (I mean seriously, it had a Diego cake from Graul's) and much fun was had.

And as we drove home we asked the little boy "What was your favorite part today?"

He thought for a minute and responded with a straight face, "Well....I know it definitely was not when you threw me and hurt me Daddy...definitely not that part."

Touche kiddo, touche.

If you are going to London...

Today was a sad day in dressing my children. You see, while my parents lived in London, I always wanted to shop. But if you have ever been to London then you know that a pound is a wee bit stronger than a dollar so shopping is never a sound investment (actually my mother's friends could justify a flight back to the States citing the amount of money they would save from shopping)

Anyhow, one Christmas my mother decided to follow the advice of Time Out and shopped at Marylebone High Street. Sure you have to push yourself through the crowds of sigh *tourists* sigh again waiting to get into Madame Toussad's to get there, but once you arrive...it is a European shopping heaven. No deals to be found, but a mecca nonetheless. My sister, however, might complain that there was no Jigsaw, but nothing is ever perfect. So that Christmas we were introduced to Space NK Apothecary, The Conran Shop, Skandium, Brora (the most beautiful cashmere you have ever seen!) and of course, the point of my story, The Little White Company.

I think that it started innocently enough with a pair of Christmas pijamas and it just snowballed from there. Not only are the pjs made from the most luxorious thick 100% cotton, they are simple, downright adorable, AND cheaper than pjs at the Gap. I covet these pjs, saving them for special nights...nights when the boy has taken a bath, when someone besides us is going to see him, or when I just need a good hug from a kid in the comfiest pjs around.

My last visit to The Little White Company was in May. My parents were packing up to move home, and I was stocking up for my little boy and my in-utero little girl. We bought just about everything in the store that we didn't already have...and then some. But today I realized that we didn't buy enough. Today, I put the last new outfit on our little girl. I have no more stock-piled pjs to hold on to for the next special occasion...we're back to stocking up at the Gap and other such places. So today, I am sad. I miss going to London for so many reasons, but The Little White Company might be the biggest of all.

is paying $50 in shipping too much for pjs???

Not my future career

OK, so I have been dwelling a lot on what I want to do when I grow up my kids grow up. But I'll tell you one job I'll never get. President of the United States.

I have been amazed this week at the amount of press Hillary Clinton has gotten because she teared up in New Hampshire.

She teared up for god's sake. Not cry, not sob, just got a little choked up, verklempt if you will. She's tired, she thought she was losing, and she is human after all.

Now, let us just for one moment imagine that I was in her position. No sleep for about 10 months, thought my life goals were about to go down the toilet, and asked a raw, emotional question. This is what it would have been like for me.(because it is the important things in life that usually get me going!)

It doesn't matter if I am tired, sad, angry, or overjoyed...I cry. It is a characteristic that I come by honestly and genetically and there is nothing I can do about it. Just ask my parents, sister, husband, former bosses, and the nasty man who yelled at me because he thought I took his parking space. I'm a crier and proud of it.

Say Peas!

Oh how I love solid food. And so does she. We are now sleeping through the night, not cranky, and well adjusted (I'm talking about me, not her!).

Hallelujah!

A New Year: A New Me

I have to make a change. No, I am not just talking about the jeans that I have been wearing for 3 days straight or the 6 pounds I gained over the holidays. (the women at weight watchers were nice enough not to gasp and just tell me that they were proud that I even came back)

I am talking about my career...or lack there of at this point.

Every day I struggle to be a good mom. And to be honest, I don't think that I am doing that well. In fact, the other day I was asked which I loved more, a good meal or my children. That answer is obvious when I revealed my 6 pound weight gain, right? Noooo...I love my kids to death, but I just am not the crafty, make a project out of pipe cleaners, paper plates, and all the leaves they dragged into the house stay at home mom..so I question what am I good at?

• spending no less than $100 at Target
• wasting 4 hours of free-school time
• taking 4 days to wash 3 days worth of laundry

Can I make a career out of any of these talents?

No...but I think I had my eureka moment this morning when trying to figure out what we were going to do (a no plan day is always the scariest day of all!) and all I wanted was a cup of coffee and all my 3 year old wanted to do was play with friends.

So that's it. I'm going to start a business...and no I'm not joking here...a drink and play cafe**. Have a cup of coffee, enjoy wireless internet and watch your child play with all the toys you don't want to have in your house (picture kitchens, work benches, big blocks and everything else you don't want to store *) Of course, there will be a fantastic person to watch the children, make sure everyone shares, takes their turn, and leaves you alone while you check your e-mail, pay your bills, or even google your 8th grade boyrfriend. Doesn't that sound fantastic?

I'm on it.

*add to that list the flat screen tv in the corner that I promised my husband will exclusively play ESPN on Saturday and Sunday mornings to attract the Daddy congregation.

**very strange coincidence that Monkey Business has had the same thought recently too!

12 Days of Christmas

Let's just cut to the last verse and it is much better if you sing it out loud!!

On the twelveth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

12 hours of sleep (continuous, not just over a period of 3 days)
11 friends to play with (at their house!)
10 pedicured toes (a manicure would be pushing it!)
9 days without bed wetting (now I'm getting really greedy!)
8 minute carpool line
7 pounds lost (that would get me back to even!)
6 days at the gym (even God took one day off!)
5 SERVINGS OF VEGGIES EATEN!
4 hour naps
3 square meals
2 healthy kids
and a maid to clean up after me! (not every other week...ALL THE TIME!)

Bad Mommy

I have been thinking for months about all the things I swore I would never do as a parent back when I was not a parent. I'm never even really positive about the contents of this "list" until I get to the point where I have to break one of the rules.

They include things such as:
1. I won't make a scene in a restaurant, store, library, or any quiet place. HA! Did that one about 15 million times already

2. I won't let my child pee outside, on the side of the road or any place other than a bathroom. Did you see us on the side of 95 South that day peeing in the woods?

3. I won't let my kids have those motorized vehicles that are fake jeeps, hummers, race cars etc. In my garage there are now TWO of them, thanks to the neighbors.

4, I won't succomb to the junk food, processed food that is so available and will give my kids all natural homemade products. Just ask my mother about our trip to Vienna where my son only ate processed orange food. Oops.

Most of these "rules" I set out for myself were broken with my son, but today I was able to break two of them with my daughter simultaneously.

5. I won't neglect my child, ignore their cries, or leave them wanting.

Well...today I did all 3. Little baby girl was playing in the exersaucer and started to make some noise. I was doing some other things and wanted her to hold off for her nap until we got in the car in 10 minutes. She whined, she cried, she fussed, but she was going to be okay. I checked my e-mail, I changed the laundry, I emptied the dishwasher. And then I decided to check on her. There she was, as cute as a button, asleep in the exersaucer. This is not an easy thing to do.

So as I ran to get my camera to document this neglect (wouldn't this story be better with a photo?) another rule got broken

6. I won't let animals lick, maul, eat my children

When I got back to sleeping beauty she was awake because the dog was standing right in her face and licking it.

Hmmm...send this one to DSS.